The joys only a child can bring (or maybe a puppy)

The children are on their holiday.
I’M FREE.
OK, I’ll admit it. I’m missing them so much already.
My house feels empty. So quiet.
I feel like I have no purpose to my existence when they’re not here.
As much as I think I miss my BC life on occasion, I must have spent a lot of time bored!

It got me to thinking of the things that I never thought I’d have to experience until I had children.

Trying to apply bongela to a bitey child. Self explanatory this one. They’re in pain. You’re trying to make them feel better. They bite. You swear. They laugh. You can’t shake them off. They’re like a ferret once they’ve latched on and shaking them off is pretty difficult.

The day they discover they’re not wearing a popper vest and they can get their hands in their nappy. Seth is obsessed, once he has no vest on his hands are in the back of his trousers all day and he wanders around with builders bum. I won’t even tell you about the time I put him for a vestless nap in the summer and he had a poo…….

The day they realise they can undress themselves anytime, any place. Children really enjoy being naked. Aoife went through a phase where every time I walked into the living room there was a pile of clothes like she’d just vanished and she’d by lying on the couch stark naked watching Cbeebies. We still have to have talks about why pants and a t-shirt isn’t an OK outfit for outside the house.

Being used as a tissue. Not the  accidental nose wipe but when they seek you out specifically to use your top as a tissue. This is especially brilliant when I’ve just got ready for a rare night out.

Neck jabs, body splashes, eye gouging, general (probably illegal) MMA moves on a daily basis with an aggressor you can’t fight back. I can’t think of any other job where it would be accepted to take such behaviour from your boss.

Things being put in your face/nose/mouth/ears against your will. Wooden blocks, books, cars, generally heavy or pointy things. Never chocolate or wine.

The eating of innocent molluscs (not escargot, just garden snails) and trying to rescue said mollusc whilst retching.

The bringing home of insects as pets then losing them. One day we’d been in from pre-school for about an hour when Aoife pipes up “oh, my pet ants!”
“Pet ants?”
“Yes, they’re in my coat pocket”
*points to coat on couch*
Pockets were empty aside from a dead woodlouse. Ants were never found.

Biscuits made at school that have a vague taste of glue but must be enjoyed with a smile.

Asking questions you never thought you’d have to ask out loud
“is that a bogey on the door? Seriously, why is there a bogey on the car door?”
Or
“Did you just brush your teeth with squirty soap?”

Right, that’s fixed it. I’m off to the pub to miss the children some more!

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