It’s terribly unBritish but I’m afraid I’m scared.

I’m going to put it out there.
I’m scared.
I don’t know if I’m ‘allowed’ to be but I am.

In March, when there was that awful attack in Westminster, I was sad and shocked,  things weren’t  OK by any stretch of the imagination but I could justify to myself why I didn’t need to be scared.
It was an attack on Parliament, an attack on government, an attack on authority.
I am none of these things. My family are none of these things.
I could be sad and shocked but I didn’t need to be scared.

Two weeks ago there was the bombing at MEN in Manchester. It was a vicious and cowardly attack aimed largely at young people. I could barely comprehend it, as a parent it hit pretty hard. Aoife is getting to the age where she likes to listen to Katy Perry and Little Mix.
She’s fast approaching the time she will want to see these people live and, until that Monday, my only concern would have been ‘but it’s a school night’.
However, as horrific as the event in Manchester was and as heartbroken as I felt for all those affected I could see the good that came from it. I could see all those who selflessly helped everyone who needed help. I told myself it was one person and one act. It was so unlikely to happen again.
I was saddened and angry but I wasn’t scared.

Saturday saw the terror attack on London Bridge. The targets were people out, enjoying their lives. They were attacked in a most deplorable and brutal fashion.
It seemed to be both a frenzied and calculated attack.
Again people pulled together, helping one another and doing what they could but for some reason that’s not enough for my tiny brain this time.

Whereas two weeks ago I could see the good and said things like

“We can’t give in to fear”
or
“We shouldn’t be afraid, that ensures they’ve won”.

Today I can’t do that for some reason.
I don’t know if it’s because I believed nothing like that would happen again in the near future.
I don’t know if it is the ‘basicness’ of the attack that scares me.
There was no brain work needed to undertake it.
Sometimes the stupid are the most scary.

My fear doesn’t mean I’m going to turn into some raging idiot blaming a whole religion for the minority. I’m still a sensible individual.

But

Today I am actually scared, I know I shouldn’t be but today I am.
I am scared for my children.
I am scared they will grow up thinking this is ‘normal’.
I am scared at the thought of taking them into the city.
I am scared that, despite what I tell them, I can’t be sure that I can always protect them and keep them safe.

Instead I need to pull on my big girl pants and pull myself together.

I need to figure out how to explain it, again, to the children.
I need to make sure that I teach my children not to judge anyone else based on their religion or race.
I need to teach my children to be accepting of others who may not share their opinions.
I need to teach my children to be brave and strong but also empathetic.
I need to teach my children about the importance of recognising the good things that happen.
I need to tell my children they have no need to be scared.
I need to believe that myself.

 

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BritMums
Mummy Times Two

11 Responses to “It’s terribly unBritish but I’m afraid I’m scared.

  • Jayne Brown
    3 weeks ago

    Right there with you Anna. If I could I wouldn’t leave the house but like you said we need to teach our young people AND older people all these things you have said, but this feels too close to home.
    A lot of being a parent is being an actor so that our children do not feel the danger or anxiety of life despite us being scared. X

  • Me too, this attack has made me question everything. I will now think more carefully about where we go and whether it’s worth the risk. I know I shouldn’t let it change me, but three so close together seems to have been the final straw, hopefully with time we will feel different. #PostsFromTheHeart

    • I’m hoping that the fear is just a knee jerk reaction because stuff happened so fast. It’s certainly on the list of things I didn’t think I’d have to discuss as a mum! Thanks for reading.

  • I’m scared too-you’re not alone. At first it was easy to be “British” and “carry on” but it’s getting increasingly more scary each time something happens. I’ve lost so much sleep just laying worrying about it all.
    #PostsFromTheHeart

    • That’s it, there’s only so much ‘keeping calm and carrying on’ one can do! Thanks for reading.

  • I think, like you, we are all scared. But as you say we have to put on a brave face and not show our fear and get on with our lives. My fear is for my children’s future…what is this world going to be like in 30/40/50 years time? I also fear that there is really no way of stopping these people and these acts are simply something we are going to have to get used to. #postsfromtheheart

    • If we carry on as we are I can’t even begin to think about how are children are going to cope and the things they are going to be confronted with as ‘normal’
      We’ve just got to believe in ourselves that we can protect them. Thanks for reading

  • I’m with you – I wrote a post recently about why I’m scared for me & the kids for the same reasons #postsfromtheheart

    • I’d be really interested in reading that. I’ll seek it out. Thanks for reading

  • Oh gosh, I wrote a very similar post on the morning after the London Bridge attacks. Up until that point, I’d been very stiff upper lip about it all, but that one broke me too. #postsfromtheheart

    • I guess it shows we can only ‘Keep Calm and….’ (I hate that phrase) for so long.
      Eventually we are worn down by the hate.
      And given this week too. It’s all just too much. Urgh that sounds so melodramatic but it really it isn’t it?
      I’d love to read your post if you could give me the link?
      Thank you for reading xx

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