Which office colleague are you?

Seth is starting school in September and so it is time for me to consider how I’m going to spend my time.

I have the feeling that catching up on box sets and reading books isn’t going to cut it with Rory, I need to fill my time and hopefully earn some money at the same time!

I am just at a total loss as to how I’ll do it.
In the ideal world I’d make millions from my blog.
In a slightly more real world I’d like to work from home doing stuff with words.
One thing I do know is that I don’t want to work in an office again.

I’m not suggesting office work is bad generally, it’s just not for me.

There are obvious perks to working in an office…pens, stapler, highlighters, hole punches and ring binders.
In fact the best day of my working life was the day I was handed an office stationery catalogue and an Ikea catalogue and told to choose the items that would help create a new mentoring area!

A giant tin of hot chocolate powder and 200 Staedtler medium tips?

Yes please!

As much as my current lack of Post-it notes and hole reinforcers concerns me, it’s not quite enough to counteract that which fills me with woe – office colleagues.

An office is a peculiar environment, one where it’s almost impossible to get a moment to yourself.
There’s always someone banging on the door when you wee.
You can’t sneak a cup of coffee without someone noticing and someone is always there to distract you with their woes.
It’s like parenting but with giant children who should know better.

One thing I have discovered is that, no matter the size of the office, the same few characters appear in all of them.

The Frank One

You know the one, they say whatever is on their mind without censor. It’s OK though, they’re just being honest! Generally offensive, often casually racist and sexist.
Most sentences with ‘I’m not being awful but…’ followed by something awful or “I’m not being funny but…” Well, they’re right with that one.
They tell you tales of their kids that prove they’re being bought up with the same ignorance and lack of respect for anyone and you despair for the future.

The Drama Llama

There’s always something going on at home and they will tell you in confidence. Then they’ll tell Linda in accounting (in confidence of course). The canteen staff will be told, in confidence. Days are spent on hushed calls and frantically texting. They make sure everyone in the office knows exactly what’s going on and it is generally not worthy of worry. Just because Geoff walked the dog one extra time doesn’t mean he’s having an affair Barbara!

The Gossip

Slightly different to the Drama Llama in that all the tales told are about someone else. They generally create a back story for colleagues that is so much more exciting than their real lives. This person cannot be trusted at all but is definitely worth confiding in if you have a milestone birthday/wedding/birth coming up. The whole office will know and hopefully have a whip round.

The Dieter 

Often doesn’t need to lose any weight at all but let’s everyone know they live off nothing but dust and air.
Found wandering around the office with an air of aloofness because they are managing to survive on 150 calories a day.  They hit the gym at least three lunchtimes a week to read a book on the treadmill and make you feel bad for consuming solids at any point in a day.
There is usually a look in their eye that suggests they want to eat you and often binge drink all weekend because, you know, they’ve saved all their calories.

The Noisy Eater

They eat at their desk, usually next to yours,  and favour really noisy food.
Salad, apples, crisps, crackers and things of that ilk.
Obviously they will eat with their mouth open providing a mulchy visual to compliment the noise.
If you’re really unlucky, they’ll come to your desk to tell you something very important and spray your monitor with detritus.

The Office Manager

Possibly a little too friendly with the MD and so gets away with treating everyone with disdain. The day starts with bated breath, waiting for their arrival to determine the mood of the day.
The OM has a different set of rules to everyone ordering clothes and booking holidays online whilst ‘working’ is allowed at that pay grade. The OM will usually choose one member of staff to like a lot and one to hate a lot BUT this is subject to change at ANY time and without forewarning.

These are the reasons that the thought of re-entering an office make me shudder…Fingers crossed for a lottery win!

This is a collaborative post, all characters contained within are based on real life people. 

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