Starting preschool.

Back in March we attended the open day at Seth’s preschool to be.
At the time it made me sad thinking about my little boy growing up.

Now here we are, six months on.

Seth started preschool today.

When Aoife was at preschool I was pregnant with Seth, walking up and down that sodding mountain to drop her off and pick her up whilst lugging my great, big bump along with me.
Now, three and a bit years on I’ll be walking that very human I was growing, up and down that hill.

Seth still doesn’t feel old enough to be starting preschool.
He can’t quite do his shoes yet.
His words are still a little jumbled when he’s excited.
He can’t be bothered/gets to engrossed to take himself to the toilet.
Listening hasn’t made it quite onto his ‘skills’ list yet.
And sometimes shoving seems more persuasive than asking…

Before taking Seth, we had to drop Aoife at school.
When the bell went I called her over to give her a kiss before she stood in line…!
I got her forehead!
My goodbye kiss was denied.

I can’t handle this level of rejection today.

We then pootled of to preschool.
We swapped shoes for pumps.
Put the money in the piggy and the water on the shelf.
Seth took his name card to his teacher and wandered into the classroom.
I called him back to kiss him goodbye.
He offered his forehead!

Why do you cast me aside today?
OF ALL THE DAYS WHY TODAY?

Today is the beginning of the end.
The start of my smallest not needing me quite so much.
The start of him turning to other grown ups in a moment of need or upset.
Today is the start of me feeling not quite so important anymore.

Not just as a mum but as a person.

See for six years I’ve been a stay at home mum, it’s been tough but I’ve loved it.
I’ve felt I’ve had to justify myself a LOT over that time but it was OK because I could.
I was looking after my children.

Now, for two and a half days a week I’m not a stay at home mum.
I’m just, well, nothing.
I am redundant.
I’m just a woman with outdated skills waiting for 3pm so I can start being a mum again.

I do intend to use this time to work on my blog (yet another area I feel I have to justify a lot) so I can free up evenings.
I hope to be able to better my skills so I can earn some money.

But right now, sitting here in the silence with no one demanding brioche. I just feel useless.
Entirely useless,  with no purpose and contributing nothing to, well, anything.

I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, selfishly hoping it wouldn’t come.

I’m sad my babies are gone, I have children now.
They’ve entered the education system where other adults, who’s every word they will hang on, will see them more than me.
I’m no longer the most important person in their life, the font of all knowledge (whether fact or otherwise).

I’m also sad because at this very moment I feel I have no purpose.
It’s the start of a new chapter.
Not just for them but for me and it scares the shit out of me.

I’ll be totally over it once they’re both home.