40 things to do before I’m 40 – maybe

Welcome to the Year of Anna!
Yes, I’m aware we’ve done a quarter of the year already but back in January I didn’t know this would be my year.
Not only did I get married (did I mention that?) but I also turn 40!
To ‘celebrate’ this decline into middleage, I decided that I, like many before me, would list ’40 things to do before I’m 40′.

40 always seemed so OLD.

Then I got to 35 and it seemed so…inevitable.

Now, here I am in my 39th year feeling no different to how I felt 20 years ago, except maybe a little creakier and with most of my dreams shattered at my feet.

Given that I turn 40 in a mere three months, have two young children and no income, this list is less excting than others and entirely unacheivable.

1. Go on a river cruise
   I’m starting big, I like the idea of a cruise but I don’t like the sea so much, at least on a river cruise I can see the shore!
2. Learn to speak Russian
   For no other reason than wanting to sound like an evil genius when I talk!
3. Write a will
   Who will I leave all my nothing to? Not very exciting but practical, I’m just hoping that by putting it on this list I’ll actually do it if only to be able to tick one thing off!
4. Learn to drive
   I really should despite knowing that all other drivers will piss me right off. It’d be nice to be able to take the kids to different places so they could whinge at me in a variety of locations.
5. Lose six stone(ish)
   To be fair six stone is entirely unrealistic in three months, heck I probably couldn’t do it in three years but this is MY list so it’s staying in.
6. Lose 10 years
   This goes hand in hand with number 5, I have an image in my head, once I lose weight I fully intend to be younger. I’m sure I can turn back the clock somehow….
7. Grow six inches taller
   I know, I know – it’s impossible. I’m just really hung up on this image I have of how I’d like to look. I think I actually just want to be someone else!
8. Learn to walk in heels
   I love a good Irregular Choice mid heel but I walk like a donkey in them. This would help number 7 though.
9. Move to France
   Unlikey within the time frame, throw in a sensible, accountant husband it’s probably unlikely ever!
10. Be heard
    Nothing profound here, I’d just like to make a request of my children and them respond. Just once.
11. Be brave
    Again, not being all warrior. I’d like to tell the people on my shit list that they are on my shit list, how they made it on the list and what they can do to get off it.
    *Spoiler Alert* there’s no getting off of the list…
12. Meet up with good friends
    I need to meet friends to eat, drink and chat more. The problem is some live too far away, if I could crack number 4 it might not be such an issue. Public transport is expensive and other people are on it.
13. Eat Sushi
    This has made the cut because it’s the kind of thing I feel people like to see on lists like this. I don’t like fish. I should imagine I won’t like uncooked fish. It ain’t happening.
14. Get a better skincare regime
    My name is Anna and I am lazy. In the run up to the wedding I was lotioning and potioning every day, I’ve slacked off now and am swiftly turning back into a lizard person.
15. Become Make-up savvy
    Not contouring – who even has time for that? Just learn more about what does what. I’ve discovered that primer isn’t just for newly plastered walls, you can use it on your face too. I have no clue what BB cream is though. This could possibly help with number 6.
16. Go to the Doctor
    I’ve been ‘making an appointment’ for my dodgy hip for two years now. I should probably actually go before I’m 40. Again, like number 3 this is here as something I might actually tick off my list.
17. Learn to cook
    I’m already a pretty decent cook but my repertoire is a bit repetitive. I’d like to try new, exciting cuisine! Maybe traditional French cooking. Without the duck or veal.
18. Drink less wine
    And replace it with meths…I jest. I want to drink less wine in order to help with number 5. If I drink less wine then I could reward myself by drinking better quality wine….Ooooo idea!
19. Be more social
    Not just with people I know but generally. I’m not good at people in real life, I also need to work on my resting bitch face. I think I always look grumpy and unapproachable. I can’t help it, it’s just my face and I’m no good at smiling.
20. Be in more photos
    Not in a heavily filtered selfie kind of way. I need to appear in more family photos so if I drop dead the kids have something to remind them I actually existed.
21. Find a hobby
    And stick to it. Something exciting and interesting, that will make me a more interesting person. Ideally without me having to leave the house and talk to actual people. Gah, that’s not very number 19 is it?
22. Make her smile
    What? Well, there’s this woman I pass on the school run every day, twice a day. Every day I smile, every day she scowls at me, granted Seth growled at her son once but I said sorry and kids do weird shit. Her refusal to smile is awkward but I’m determine to make her crack.
23. Improve my wardrobe
    I’m sick of looking like one of Mr Maker’s ‘shapes’. I spend so much time looking like a short box. My wedding dress reminded me that, despite being a fatty, I have a waist and a decent rack on me. I need to be showing that off. I used to wear nice clothes all the time before kids. Not assigning blame, just saying.
24. Go to the hairdresser
    I keep cutting my own hair, it looks OK but it needs a ‘proper’ cut. I just can’t be doing with staring at myself for an hour and small talk isn’t my forte. No I’m not going on holiday, I won’t be out at the weekend and I don’t want curls putting in because it’s 9.30 on a Tuesday morning! If I could sort numbers 5,6 & 19 this one would be a piece of cake.
25. Be Spontaneous
    I love the idea of just going away last minute. Book it, pack it, fuck off rather than book it, pack it, make a list, repack it, make another list…
26. Write a CV
    “But Anna- that one is both boring and simple”
    You’d think! Believe it or not I’m not very good at blowing my own trumpet. I’ve been out of work for seven years now and that’s a pretty large void to fill.
    “Watching six seasons of Pretty Little Liars and the entire back catalogue of Criminal Minds (and spin offs) in a short space of time” doesn’t feel like a viable, transferable skill. Also I’m so OLD now.
27. Hug a bear
    Specifically a polar bear. The chances of encountering a polar bear before July are slim. The chances of survival – slimmer still. Makes the list though.
28. Have an idea
    And the confidence to see it through. Ideally an amazing business idea that will make me loads of money. Can’t be that hard can it?
29. Be more ‘me’
    Not as ‘grounding’ as it sounds. I tend to be less ‘me’ in the actual world for fear of offending. I’m hilarious, it’s their problem if they don’t like me. Losers. This attitude could have an adverse effect on number 19 though….
30. Have a spa
    Do you have a spa or do a spa? I have no idea! I love the idea of spa-ing(?) but wouldn’t want anyone to have to massage this lardy body.
31. Drink more prosecco
    I know this counteracts number 18 but that’s starting to look like a bad idea and I really fancy some fizz now. Not cava though, cava has a special place in hell.
32. Draw more
    Once upon a time there was an artist within me, she is still there loitering and with more to offer than pictures of Hey Duggee and the squirrels!
33. Make fewer excuses
    It’s so much easier to make excuses than DO stuff. If I could crack this many of 1-34 could actually happen! I’ll get on it. On Monday.
34. Stick at things
    Are you still reading? 40 is rather a lot.
    I CBA to think of anymore. Let’s consider 34 a definite fail.