For my babies, a letter…

To my children.

I may get uptight, I may seem sharp.
I sometimes get cross.
I often mutter “forfucksake” a lot under my breath.
I get annoyed when you shout me at 3am because you need a wee and want company or even worse when you shout me then you’re asleep by the time I’ve dragged my tired arse to your room.
I may spoil all your fun with comments like
“get out of that box”
“don’t pull the cat’s tail”

“stop leaping all over each other”.
I might baby you by not letting you run off ahead with your friends.
I may declare a need for wine on a regular basis.

I may spend an afternoon wishing it were nearly your bedtime.
I may sometimes wish for a holiday, just me and daddy.
Or just me, I’m easy.

I may seem strict when all you want to do is play.
I may sometimes seem fed up or tired.

I’m sorry.

I spend a lot of time being climbed on and sat on, tiny, pointy elbows and knees jabbing me while you try to get comfortable.
I spend a lot of time being hit in the face, sometimes it’s your frustration, sometimes it’s your eagerness to show me something terribly important.
I spend a lot of time apologising to other people because you won’t share/you keep kicking/you walk into people/you don’t pay attention.

I spend a lot of time listening to you tell me how unreasonable and awful I am because I won’t let you have this or do that (often after you’ve just had or done something pretty cool)
I spend a lot of time hearing you shout at me for doing or making something wrong.
I often hear how I am entirely responsible for you having the worst day EVER.
I spend a lot of time defending myself while you laugh hysterically thinking knocking my glasses off my face is a great game..

I wish you’ll go and nap just so I can take an hour to sit quietly with a little bit of space.
I feel like a terrible person for wanting that little bit of space. (Seriously though, an inch would do).
I tell the other mum at school how grumpy and difficult you’ve been today because, y’know, naps are for losers.
I instantly feel bad and wonder if I talk about your fantastic, hilarious and great moments so readily (these are abundant).

I start to feel a bit warm on the inside and feel a tension rise when I feel like everyone is watching you shout and writhe in your buggy while I have no way of placating you.
Once again I say to myself
“roll on bedtime”.

Believe it or not, everything I do is because I believe it’s the best for you.
I may be right, I may be wrong.
I want you to grow up to be well-mannered and I want you to be grateful for what you have.
I want you to be nice people.
I worry about how I’m bringing you up and sometimes my grumpiness is me fretting.

Finally you’re both in bed, I pour a glass of wine and breathe a big sigh and I feel bad.
I feel bad for every uttered swear, every sharp word, every exasperated yell.
I wish you weren’t in bed so that I could give you a squishy cuddle and tell you I love you – I worry you’ll forget that.

I hear you breathing gently (snoring) and I feel calm.
I recall how I used to love the sound of you both breathing and snuffling in the night when you were tiny babies.
I remember my heart used to feel so full of love that it could burst.

I realise that now it still feels exactly the same. In fact, maybe even more love has squeezed in there.
I realise that as you both get older and more independent we’re going to butt heads.
You think you know better, I KNOW I know best.

After a day like today it’s easy to think that my everyday is like this but as I sit here, feeling thankful you both went straight to sleep, I realise that today stands out and the fact that today stands out as such a bad day is because it’s actually a rarity.

We may have some shit days but by gosh kids. I love you so much, I wouldn’t change it*.

I love you all the world with all my heart.

*Well, maybe I’d prefer not to see you between midnight and 6.45am.
Just a thought.


  • Luschka van Onselen (@Luschkavo)

    I actually laughed at ‘ I am entirely responsible for you having the worst day EVER.’ because I hear it every day. I drive her nuts now by saying ‘oh, i’m so glad. if THIS is the worst day of your whole life, you’re the luckiest person in the world’. Lol. Lovely post every mother can relate to, I’m sure!

  • Mummy Times Two

    What a truly beautiful letter, raw, honest and relatable. I defy any mum not to see herself in this. I once read a quote that said all mums begin the day as Mary Poppins and end it at Attila the Hun, I think we all secretly long for bedtime at some points during the day, and then like you say for those cuddles when they aren’t there. You are also very right that as they get older, different complexities arise, we love them more even at those moments they love us yes. Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful post with us here at #PostsFromTheHeart

    • itsmeanniebee

      It’s crazy isn’t it? We spend the day wanting a teeny bit of space and peace then by night seriously contemplate messing their whole routine just for a hug. Obviously we don’t do it. We worked too hard on our routine! 🙂

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