My name is Anna and I want to get married. There, I said it.
I really, REALLY want to get married. I don’t know why. Well I do, love and stuff, but I don’t know why it feels so important to me. I have been married once, that wasn’t a barrel of laughs but still I’m up for trying again. Maybe I want to prove I can make it work and I’m not a big ol’ marriage failure.
I think it’s more likely because I like the idea of us being a complete unit. A gang (the good sort). Us against the world. I know we’re a family already, a little gang of four but Aoife says things like “Me, Seth and Daddy have blue eyes but you have green eyes” And “Me, Seth and Daddy have the same last name but you don’t”.
She’s just being a 6 year old getting to grips with life but still, I don’t like it, it makes me feel like I’m just an aside to the group.
I hate that when I talk about Rory I say boyfriend because ‘partner’ sounds so….twee. So at school or nursery I’d be all like “yeah, my boyfriend, Aoife’s dad, will pick her up” Why do I even need to clarify that? It’s no ones business and would be an issue if he wasn’t her dad. The only issue would be if I was getting a complete random to pick her up.
I think I feel a bit daft, a 38 year old with a boyfriend. It’s a young person term or a very old person term. Like Elsie and Percy in the old folks home. Their spouses died so now they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s like a pat on the head. I don’t want to be 76 and still have a boyfriend, even if it IS the boyfriend I’ve been with for 47 years!
There have been so many times I thought Rory would propose; Atop the Empire State Building. When I told him I was pregnant with Aoife. When I had Aoife. A variety of Christmasses and birthdays. When I told him I was pregnant with Seth. When I had Seth. When I got to the top of that mother flipping mountain! But nothing. Zilch.
Maybe it’s because I’m swift approaching 40, I’m having some kind of “I’ve got nothing to show for it” midlife crisis. I just really have this silly feeling that I, we, will feel ‘complete’ if we’re married.
I’ve watched couples who have been together less time than us get married. When an engagement is announced my heart actually hurts because it isn’t us. When we go to weddings I imagine what ours would be like (I confess to having three wedding outlines for varying budgets).
I don’t need a big showy affair, I’d be happy getting married just the two of us then maybe a shebang with friends after. A small wedding would be better for us then we wouldn’t have to worry about offending those who aren’t invited. It’s not even about the wedding as an event it’s about the marriage as an entity. I don’t need whistles and bells, though I would like a nice frock and maybe a hen do would be nice… I always said if I wasn’t married by 38 I wouldn’t get married again. I’ve pushed that to 40 in hope, I’d really like a nice dress not a cream two piece from M&S but I don’t want to look like an idiot in taffeta.
As you may have gathered, it is not I holding up the nuptials! Rory isn’t such a fan of getting married (why he didn’t mention this early doors in the relationship I’ll never know). He rolls his eyes whenever I mention it and has declined every single one of my proposals. And there have been many.
I’ve even pointed out all the good things about getting married, aside from the obvious of having a fitty Mcfittison of a wife (kidding, the wife might be the reason he’s avoiding it…..) There’s – The unity. The Married persons tax thing. The me getting his stuff when he dies. The fact that being married is good for your health. ACTUAL FACT.
He really isn’t interested. If I can’t woo accountant interested with a tax allowance then there’s NO HOPE.
So here we are, entering wedding season with no plans of my own. Me with my ‘odd one out’ green eyes and different surname just updating my wedding dress plans according to availability and pretending one day it will be me.