Sometimes I sit and I think. I remember the days before children, my shallow, empty existence with a tidy house, organised life, variety of conversation topics and nights out in abundance. Then I look at my babies, sitting there, looking like butter wouldn’t melt, one of them eating the food in order of what they like least to best whilst the other tips it all on the floor because it tastes better from there and I think to myself…
My children do some really weird shit.
They can’t let the coasters be on the table. The coasters are ‘in the way’ if they’re on the table.They have to be on the floor instead. Ideally scattered. Not at Grandma’s though, at Grandma’s they stay on the table.
If we go outside and it’s dark they have to squeal or make loud noises.
They can’t use their inside voices when you’re on the phone or having a conversation but go virtually mute when you want information from them.
They think running in circles is pure entertainment. It’s hilarious. Scientific research tells me this is the case to age 6 at least.
They run nonstop laps in the house but as soon as they leave the house they can barely move.
They spin in circles until they’re dizzy, fall and smack their heads off something then get up and do it again.
They don’t like the food on their plate but the exact same food on your plate is fair game.
They are tired but they won’t sleep.
They turn off the light and close their bedroom door then have a hissy fit because the light is off and the door is closed.
They stand on stuff, like a car or a box just because it’s there, they couldn’t walk round it or move it. They just stand there. On it.
They eat a vast array of foods at school but only pasta and sauce will do at home.
They believe there is a ‘wrong’ type of pasta and sauce despite it being exactly the same as the one before.
They remember that time 3 months ago when you said “we’ll go to the park on *insert date 3 months from now* but they ‘forgot’ you asked them to put their shoes on 3 minutes ago.
They tip stuff, just because.
They don’t hear you ask them to tidy up toys but they hear chocolate being quietly opened in a different room, through closed doors.