I am a reluctantly unmarried woman. I am certainly approaching middle age – swiftly.
I have spoken previously about my desire to be married. I have been married, that one was flawed so I would quite like to give it another go.
Instead I find myself sat firmly in the realm of the long term girlfriend.
When I was a little lot younger, being a girlfriend felt rather exciting. Special.
However, there comes a point when you realise that you have made the transition to long term girlfriend. It’s sneaky in its approach, it doesn’t seem to be defined by time. Children possibly play a part.
One minute you’re a girlfriend – young, exciting and maybe even a little sexy. The next you’re a long term girlfriend – older, duller and, well, me.
Have you transitioned? Here’s a checklist to see.
Rather than change from work clothes into skinny jeans and a nice top, you go for ‘something comfy’. Leggings and an old maternity top you say? Yes please!
You no longer sneak out of bed before he wakes up to brush your teeth and straighten your face. He is met daily by the worst version of Tim Minchin. Big hair, panda eyes and death breath.
He has seen you in your emergency pants. The tiny tooth floss pants have been relegated (they give you a whole host of nasties, it’s a fact) He’s seen you in your period pants, your maternity pants AND your big, fat squishing pants. Spare back boobs and all!
He has held your hair back after a night out. Not in the affectionate ‘you’re so nice’ kind of way. In the ‘I’m not judging you but maybe you should have stopped when I suggested’ kind of way.
He no longer asks why you run off to the toilet after sneezing, dancing, jumping or laughing. There are no secrets.
You no longer order salad with a meal. Chips FTW. You finally order a meal of carbs and saturated fats that you know are bad for you but taste bloody good. No, you don’t share.
You no longer wait for the bathroom to be free before you go for a wee. When you gotta go you gotta go. There’s no ‘holding it’ until he has finished in the shower.
You spend most evenings together watching TV but cannot remember the last actual conversation you had.
He has seen you at your absolute worst. He has seen you birth a whole other human (Obviously, he wasn’t at the business end- ewwww). You were probably sweating, grunting and swearing like a trooper.
A shower or bath is used to ACTUALLY get clean rather than a quick, once over shave in preparation for sexy times.
Waxing used to be the ‘done thing’ but now it’s a shave with a blunt razor (his) on special occassions. Birthdays and Christmas, at a push.
An early night is no longer a euphamism. You need to sleep. Really sleep. Hard.
You declare you only want one thing for Christmas. No, not him dressed as Santa, you want something shiny. He buys you pans. You love them
Everytime you mention marriage his eyes glaze over and he is temporary afflicted with deafness or has something REALLY important that needs doing. Right now.I fear the transition stops here.
Massive thanks to Erica at The Incidental Parent, a fellow ‘long term girlfriend’ (at the moment) of a certain age, for helping compile this list.